Anxiety paradox

Have you ever tried to call someone who you wanted to talk to and the number didn’t work? It’s pretty sad. Likewise, have you ever had a number for a person you really wanted to call but were too chicken to? Also pretty sad. Tonight, in a fit of bravery, I called both numbers.

One number was a bust, but the other resulted in an amazing experience. I have a friend who I have known since we were very little who is a truly gifted person. She is brilliant at thousands of things, many of which relate to humanity. She had a keen eye at a young age, and her observations have influenced me ever since.

The other important thing about this person is that when I was in a crisis, she was very generous with me. We met, she listened, she related, we talked about stuff to get my mind off my crisis, she completely supported me. She set me on a path of self-realization without even realizing it! (But that’s second borns do. We get work done with no expectation of acknowledgement.) I am so blessed to  have reached out to her in a day of need. Today’s call was inspired. I take no credit for it, but I relish in the blessings from it!

If you can relate to either sad experience, I give you a desktop from Reddit.

I’ve got a playlist coming, and a massive update about my therapy. Let’s not be sad; let’s be thankful for our blessings.

More thoughts on hard work

Sorting through panic disorder is hard work. I do feel like other aspects of my life suffer when I’m focused on just the one part.

I’m glad of the work, though. Lately because I can talk to my mom about stuff that I didn’t ever think I needed to talk to her about. Honestly, I never expected to have a how-your-traumatic-cancer-affected-me conversation. Although, I suppose all my blogging about my panic disorder is just that. Law of unintentional consequences, I think. I do not ever, and have never, intended to diminish or over-shadow my mother’s terrifying fight against cancer. In my mind, my mom is the strongest person I know. She fought. I was inspired and mortified by her and all those folks fighting with her at the radiology lab and in the transplant ward. What my mom overcame is miraculous. My mom is miraculous.

The benefits of hard work — of miraculous work — are cool things like unexpectedly being able to walk more, allow loving people into your life, seek therapy, pursue a career dream, travel, and generally have more to give.

OK. so all that sentiment is because I went to therapy today, and I learned a bunch and was encouraged to look at my triggers. Therapy is incredibly helpful. I’m grateful for it.

Honestly, I was just distracted by a Gatsby trailer, so let’s wrap this up. Panic = sucks. Mom = awesome. Work = hard. Therapy = helpful.

I love a lot of people. You’re one of them.

Vacation of glory

Just to be clear, my recent vacation to Texas Hill Country was exquisite. The wildflowers were everywhere! I loved it. I loved the drive, the scenery, the hiking, the disk golf, the antiquing — all of it.

I loved the company — my boyfriend has a great sense of humor, an amazing sense of adventure, and an infinite amount of patience with me (and my panic disorder).

I loved my week off. I love Texas Hill Country. Go there if you can. Texas is not the flat, boring, wasteland people think it is. Texas Hill Country is gorgeous. I took dozens of pictures to prove it; alas, my iPhone went for a swim and many of the photos are lost.

TL;DR: Texas rocks.

Really, exposure therapy? Really?

This is an incredibly emotional post to write. I’ve been composing this for several days, and I hope that writing about it will make it less emotional to discuss.

My therapy has moved into so-called “exposure therapy,” in which I face symptoms of my panic attacks and other panic-inducing situations. It’s pretty scary, but it is pretty powerful stuff.

For example, I’ve hiked Enchanted Rock a dozen times over. When my boyfriend suggested that we check it out on our Hill Country vacation, I was pretty eager! We headed to Enchanted Rock State Park Tuesday with water, snacks, sunscreen, good athletic shoes, and bug repellant. One thing I didn’t even expect to bring was my newly developed fear of heights. This fear is, like I said, new to me, so it is frequently unexpected.

I got crazy vertigo going up E Rock, which triggered panic events. It was totally unexpected, disappointing, humbling, shaming, and kind of exhilarating. (That is to say, several times going up I got seriously freaked out by the heights and steepness of the incline when the wall of rock appeared.)

Going down the rock, we traversed great distances. I couldn’t really bear to look down much to opine as to best paths to travel — which was extremely frustrating because I’ve been trained to pick out hiking and bouldering paths! It’s an instinct that was over-run by sheer panic.

At one point, after following a series of boulders down a steep incline, we realized that we couldn’t climb over the boulders to join the trail. Seriously, we could not. It was a fine idea, but there was no way the two of us could’ve climbed those rocks without equipment that we didn’t have.

About this time, I had one of the two worst panic attacks of my life. One of my major triggers is my irrational fear that I can’t get home safely. And on that rock, I was convinced that I had no way home off the rock. Sheer will, tenacity, and a carote chop were all the skills availed to me. And, I suppose, a great deal of trust in my boyfriend.

For a panicked person such as me with a wacky, recently developed fear of heights, hiking 1850 feet is an accomplishment.

Unfortunately, I don’t have more pictures as I dropped my phone into water. This picture is one I took at a plateau in between panic attacks.

Turning tenderness into empowerment

I’ve been wearing a fancy pedometer for three weeks with much success. I’ve raised my steps goal, and seen a couple of wildly successful days. Saturday, I walked more than 7,000 steps! Unfortunately, most of those steps were while wearing unsupportive wedge sandals. Sunday, after attending an amazing church service and eating a huge Easter lunch, I was emotionally and physically overdrawn.

Upon waking this fine Monday morning, I was feeling sore and tender. By “tender” I mean emotionally sensitive and physically in more pain and soreness than usual. My whole person was just tender.

I got myself to work, worked on my to do list for the week, and started checking things off. At noon, I had therapy. Today began our exposure therapy, in which they make me have panic attacks in order to be less afraid of having a panic attack. It’s so much more complex than that, but it’s the gist. Re-training the brain.

I was not too anxious in advance of today’s exercise (but now that I know what they’re like? Another story.), but I didn’t do well. Exposure therapy basically exposes me to panic-like symptoms. Today we attempted to deal with a symptom that isn’t even one of my major ones: shortness of breath. I was to breathe through a straw — a coffee stirrer — while holding my nose for 30 seconds. I don’t know how long I lasted before I had a panic attack — I’m guessing three or four based on the following exercise.

My therapists, who I have officially come to rely on, were so generous with their time and compassion to make sure I did not take away a sense of failure from this exercise. I’m supposed to fill out questionnaires for 30 minutes and have therapy for 60. My questionnaires took less than 30, and my therapy took just less than 90, I think. Ordinarily, I would have carved out some time to give myself a good cry over my failure to conquer the tiny straw. Today I pulled myself together.

I met my steps goal, went home, and got on my bike. Shortness of breath beat me once, but I was determined to enjoy a bike ride. I even crossed an major intersection TWICE! I was so short of breath at one point that I thought my heart or lungs would explode, but I kept going.

About 10 minutes after I got home, I did some hatha yoga. I equal parts love how my body remembers to slide into the poses correctly, I also noticed my (VAST) weaknesses. 

I’m still feeling tender, but I have so much to look forward to! My work is exciting, and I am taking a vacation! 

I wish Future Ashley and everyone else reading this blissful, successful endeavors. 

Just keep walking!

A few weeks ago I bought a FitBit One, a high-end pedometer. Just to interject here — if I’d not bought all the cheap, crappy pedometers I’ve used over the last three or four years, I could have bought a FitBit a long time ago with much better results! I also like the FitBit One because it tracks my sleep.

Wearing a pedometer has helped me to learn SO MUCH. I thought I would be more active over the weekend, but actually, I’m not. Also, on the three days of the week that I comute, I have to really, really work to get some steps. That boils down to five days a week in which I am officially “sedentary.”

The first several days I wore the pedometer, I clocked 1,000 – 2,000 steps a day. Quickly, I started stepping up (har har) to my own personal challenge of clocking 5,000 steps a day. Why 5,000 steps a day? Somebody some time on some site told me that fewer than 5,000 steps a day equals a sedentary lifestyle. Ten thousand steps a day equals an active lifestyle. So, I’m working my up to you, babe!

First goal: Get to 5,000 steps a day consistently and burn more calories. At two weeks, I was sore as all get out. My knees, both previously injured, were killing me. My ankles and hips were really sore from the steps, and my arms, shoulders, elbows, wrists, and hands were sore from the introduction of almost-daily Wii tennis.

I found a Foot Therapy and Chinese Reflexology place nearby and had a very healing hour-long massage. It helped me to keep pushing. This week I hit the mark of three weeks at 5,000 steps, so I increased my goal to 5,500 steps a day.

Second goal: 5,500 steps a day. Two days into the new goal, and I am sore! I haven’t had as much free time to play Wii, so balancing the steps with the upper body Wii stuff is a new goal.

Wearing the FitBit One is an educational experience.

Third goal: 6,000 steps a day. Hopefully sooner than later!

What cancer gave me

If you review my blog, you’ll notice a gap in public posts from the last quarter of 2008 all the way through the second quarter of 2010. I have a couple of reasons for that, but the most significant one is that in January 2009, my mom was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. Generally speaking, if you can avoid it, I’d suggest you do so. But if you can’t, here’s what I got from cancer:

• A serious sense of humor. It’s not the oxymoron you think it is. When my mom was going through the worst of it (bone marrow transplant), she told me that I was the funny one. My job was to keep the family laughing. I took that job very seriously, at any expense. I find my sense of humor has been permanently changed. I can, and do, find humor in everything. People can be disarmed by the ease with which I joke about serious or taboo topics. 
• Perspective. A lot of little things used to really get to me. I can more easily identify little things from the big things. With some notable exceptions. Stand by for that explanation.
• Rock solid faith in my family. From the oldest to the youngest, my family pulled together when my mom was sick. My youngest niece was pretty young, but totally fearless — of hospitals, of her grandmother in a neck brace using a walker, of her aunt developing a brand new sense of humor, of everything her mother was going through. Even my late grandmother, suffering from Alzheimers,  was very supportive when my mom told her about the cancer.
• Panic disorder. This one’s my favorite. I described it vaguely here, but the reality is that panic and anxiety grew to control my life beginning shortly before I knew about my mom’s cancer. My first panic attack was about ten days before I knew my mom was sick; although my mom’s cancer was pretty fully developed by that point, we didn’t know it yet. From that first panic attack, the anxiety cycled exponentially. I developed fear of heights and driving, severe social anxiety, and agoraphobia. A lot of little things bother me in a panicky way, but those are irrational things. The big, more logical things, are much easier to deal with.
• A new lease on life. Since my mom’s cancer — I realize I’m describing everything in terms of that — I’ve experienced everything just a little differently. I push myself more than I ever have. And I love it. Although it’s hard to beat back feelings of panic, my current euphoria is a high worth riding.

My experience in a very brief nutshell.

Skin care

Facial toner for oily skin

My favorite L’Occitane facial toner for oily skin was recently discontinued.

My girl Mary Kay doesn’t really sell toners any more after rolling them up into the Timewise cleansers.

I tried to find one at Whole Foods, but when I told the person helping me that I’m allergic to aloe, he suggested that I was better off making my own.

In developing my toner recipe, I did some research and a little math. I’m sure my end result is not perfectly pH balanced, but I’ve really enjoyed my skin’s reaction to the toner.

My skin is very oily, so I wanted something with a pH of around 5. According to Milady’s Standard Fundamentals for Estheticians, ninth addition, which I learned very well in my exciting months studying for my torpedic career as an esthetician, skin has a pH of between 4 and 7 — slightly acidic. The pH of water is about 7, and the pH of soap is more alkaline, or closer to 9 or 10.

Parenthetically, I checked with another brand I really like for a toner, Bare Escentuals. They told me that they don’t offer a toner because, “all our products leave the skin pH balanced.” I bought into that theory at the time and went home feeling OK that using my expensive serum and moisturizer right after cleansing my skin would be perfectly effective. Yeah … until I actually washed my face and then slapped on expensive serum and moisturizer, and my skin felt like scales! The next day, I started decided to make my own. After several days of no toner, I was determined.

Apple cider vinegar is widely regarded as a fantasgreat health food or ingredient. With a pH around 5, I’ve used ACV many times when I needed an acidic ingredient. It was high on my list of toner ingredients because it has the pH I wanted to achieve, but it stinks. So, I went looking for ways to dilute the ACV without diluting the pH too much. I settled on distilled water and lavender.

I used a small spray bottle that holds about 10 tablespoons, and worked backward from there. I started with the ACV in the bottle, added the distilled water, and then added lavender from there.

• Apple cider vinegar, pH about 4.25 – 5
• Distilled water, pH about 7
• Essential oil of lavender, pH about 5.5 – 6.5

I poured about two parts ACV and seven+ parts distilled water, leaving plenty of room for lavender oil. I dropped some essential oil into the bottle, shook it, and sprayed it — repeatedly — until the smell of the ACV faded quickly.

Vinegar is also soothing to a sunburn. Despite the SPF 30 I sprayed on this weekend, my chest and back are sunburned! Instead of just using straight ACV, I sprayed the toner on, and felt so much relief. As soon as the ACV evaporates, the lavender lingers. Ahhh.

Yay Team Me

This post is a few weeks old. The facts stand.

After watching Craigslist Joe, I decided to hop onto the volunteer section of Dallas Craigslist. I found a volunteer opportunity for a study for anxiety and panic. OK, I thought, I’ll take the survey and whatever! I’m following my inspiration and throwing myself out there. Joe was quite overwhelmed by the humanity and generosity he discovered, and I was hoping for (but not expecting) something great.

Days later I got a call and had a phone interview about the anxiety and panic study. I really liked the person on the phone — a PhD candidate at a local university. I qualified for the study, and before I knew it, I’d committed to 12 weeks of 90-minute therapy sessions.

Answering personal questions in writing before you ever speak to the person reading your answers is somewhat uncomfortable. Answering personal questions is uncomfortable. Thinking about answering personal questions is uncomfortable! But the anxiety surrounding all of that? I survived!

My friend asked me about how I’m doing in the study, and I think I said something about having hope. In fact, I have a lot of hope because I’ve learned a lot.

I’ve avoided a lot of situations as a coping mechanism. I generally avoid confrontation. Specifically and greatly, I don’t stand up for myself or call people out when they are mean. Therapy is arming me, once again, to  face fears realistically. I’m much more empowered to deal with panic-inducing.

Healthy AND Yummy?

In my recent creative efforts, I have accomplished my own version of a great recipe seen on Pinterest. I would not call this recipe easy — the clean up took me as long and the prep work. I’ve never cooked quinoa before; it’s pretty easy, but anytime I have to dirty another pan I grumble. But the make-ahead-ability of these cups is great.

These ham and cheese cups originally inspired me. I made quinoa cups with:

• 2 cups cooked quinoa
• 1.5 cups aged Irish sharp cheddar cheese
• 2 eggs
• 2 egg whites
• about one cup frozen spinach
• 5 pieces of turkey bacon
• garlic, salt, and pepper

I mixed the eggs in the mixing bowl first, then I dumped in all the other ingredients and mixed them. It doesn’t look too appetizing raw, but it smelled really good!

I poured the mixture into a muffin tin spayed with baker’s non-stick spay. I set the timer for 15 minutes, and they were just starting to bubble up:

They started to brown about 20 minutes later, or a total of 35 minutes at 350. I let them cool for a few minutes before trying one. The results were pretty good! They weren’t as cheesy as I expected. I ended up with 1.5 cups of grated cheese, and the original recipe calls for only 1 cup. I got the nutritional info from MyFitnessPal.com*, and here are the stats:

Quinoa Cups, Ashley Edition

Number of servings: 12

Ingredients	Calories	Carbs	Fat	Protein
Protein – Egg, 110 g	140	1	10	13
Egg White – Boiled or Raw, 2 egg	34	0	0	7
Cheese – Cheddar, 1.5 cup, shredded	683	2	56	42
Oscar Meyer Louis Rich – Turkey Bacon, 5 Slices	175	0	15	10
Spinach – Raw, 1 cup	7	1	0	1
Total:	1039	4	81	73
Per Serving:	87	0	7	6

These are really filling. I’m going to eat one less than I think I want. I’m also going to play around with other cheeses to find which ones go great with the quinoa.

BTDubs…

This week I started using MyFitnessPal.com and the iPhone app. This site and app are so much more user friendly and intuitive than SparkPeople.com. MFP also integrates with both existing Fitbit products. The great thing about Fitbit health trackers is that you can use them without a subscription, and they have a pretty inexpensive option for about $60.

I think a Fitbit tracker will be my birthday present to myself!