On a roll

Despite not getting into work until almost 11 a.m., I’ve been Super Productive Girl today. If I keep this up (three days in a row, yo), I’ll have to invest in spandex and a cape. In my non-working hours, I’ve been pretty diligent about giving away all my money. I have a steady paycheck. I make good money; granted, two people live off of it (with lots of educational loans to cover the larger expenses of my beloved). I’m a mature, logical, rational, vaguely intelligent individual. How is it possible, then, that I find myself receive notices of insufficient funds three days after payday, then? Am I just stupid? Do I live too extravagently? Did my ex make a wish to a vengence demon that my checkbook never balances? I only wish that this mess was somehow someone else’s fault.

I know where the money’s gone, technically. I just don’t know what I’m doing in this place. This place, where my money isn’t. I look forward to a nice, long weekend of self-flagellation. Last night, I wept for hours. I could do so again right now, if I weren’t sitting in my office at work. What does crying accomplish, though? Well, beside demonstrating to my beloved how badly I feel for getting us into this mess. I’m so emotional, even in the best of situations. Why does emoting come naturally when a situation becomes difficult? (Difficult! Ha ha ha ha ha! Difficult. That’s funny. The accurate adjective for my current financial situation is more like fucked.)

Meanwhile, while trying to calm myself into a sleep last night, I couldn’t stop wondering: If the writers were to portray what Buffy did immediately after the last scene of “Beneath Me,” what would she do? So far, I’ve identified what I see as the two extremes. The first being Buffy just walks away from Spike. She leaves him to his madness and self-loathing. Fill in your own “why.” The other extreme is the stuff every fanfic is made of — Buffy takes Spike to her home. She tends his wounds and tries to get him to meditate. She fills Dawn in, and the sisters marvel silently, but together, at Spike’s state of mind and soul. Being a girl always searching for the middle ground, how would I fill in this blank? I’m just not sure I want Buffy to — what? Take Spike back to his crypt? Pull him off that cross and lay him on a pew in the church? Ultimately, just leave him there? But if I consider her refusal to have him in the Summers home with Dawn there last season, I can’t imagine that she would do anything other than run off.

My Next Episode Wishlist includes an answer to “What happens next?” And no mouth breathing from Alyson Hannigan. And, if the writers could write me a check for my trouble, that’d be fine, too. Har har blargh har har.


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