Sputter

I really haven’t had much to say lately. I just plain didn’t feel like posting. I blogged some, but when it came time to actually post, I had to ask myself, “Does anyone really care that I’m going to do yard work today? Does anyone care that it’s raining outside? Or that I just finished doing yoga?”

So, I’m going to post my review of the season finale of Fastlane. Oh, shut up. You know you watch it.

The season finale was a two-parter with a big cliff hanger. But I’m getting ahead of myself. The first half, Dosed, features Van (a.k.a. Mr. Jennie Garth) practicing his tough-guy-with-gun routine before a mirror wearing little black briefs. Not tightie whities–bikinis. No flap. Full hair and jewelry, but just undies. He makes some moves on Ali Landry, who has got to be the worst actress ever to appear on Fox. And we all know that that is saying something. Truly a bad performance, even by Landry’s standards.

The Hot Chick plot line was just an excuse to dose Van with some fancy whosit drug that would kill him in a couple of days. Which would have been fine by me so long as they bury him in those little black bikini panties. McG pulled a fast one on me, though, because Landry didn’t do it! I picked Obvious Fastlane Plotline #4: The girl works for some evil character to bring down the undercover cops. That McG! He was actually using Stupendous Fastlane Plotline #1: The unseen baddie. TUB pushes Billie’s buttons, but not before he puts a cap in Dawson’s director-boss-friend guy, who Billie, Van and Deaq had just busted out of prison. Billie figured out TUB’s identity by the end, right after she kicks some big, bald British ass in pub to save Van and the day.

Yep, that’s all the memorial aspects of Dosed. You read the part about the black panties, right?

In the second part of the visual crack two-parter, Van’s all better. Our girl Billie is in ultra-low lowrise pants. Jay Mohr cops attitude, but doesn’t sing any Stryper songs, which is a damn shame because I actually know all Stryper’s songs. Deaq gets the creepy phone call from TUB this time. Alas, Billie trashes McG’s brilliant usage of TUB by identifying him for us through the liberal use of flashbacks. TUB is actually Billie’s first protege! He was the Candy Store’s first undercover dude!

TUB manipulates the gang into being his collective bitch, Mohr’s swearing gets bleeped out (man, I love it when they do that!), and TUB kills a second guy sniper-style. Billie, still in those ultra-low-rise pants, tells TUB that she knows who he is. He shows up at the Candy Store, even. He’s boring.

Turns out, his girl is Kelly Kramer from One Life to Live, and she works at a bank. Kelly Kramer married Kevin Buchanan, I think. Kevin Buchanan was played by Nathan Fillion. Hollywood is so small. Anyhoo, she’s got wicked awesome lowlights and looks great in a pantsuit. She helps our gang steal the diamonds from the bank, then gets herself followed by Billie’s boys in blue. Nobody outsmarts Billie!

Nobody out violences Deaq and Van, either. The boys back the armored truck over TUB’s car, with TUB still in it. The diamonds spill out onto the streets of Los Angeles, where a dozen or more extras start picking up what they can.

Back at the Candy Store, the boys are pretty cocky because they saved the day and “broke 50 laws.” Mohr bosses the boys around, because he’s in charge without Billie around. Who, he advises, should get herself to a country that doesn’t have an extradition agreement to save her skin. Well! Nobody likes a Mr. Huffypants, even if he does sing 80s Christian hair band hard rock.

Well, Ray and Deaq look at each other questioningly, where is Billie? Ruh roh! Kelly Kramer kidnapped her, and has her tied to a chair in some unused OLTL set! Kelly Kramer congratulates Billie for kicking heroine, then promptly stabs her in the leg with a syringe. Whee! Free drugs! Oh, I mean, dum dum duuuum!

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