You know the saying about how if you peel the labels off of your beer all fidgety like that it’s a sign that you don’t get enough sex? I wonder if that applies to playing with the wrapper of a York Peppermint Patty that you just ate? Let’s say you’re reading old recaps — or “wraps,” as it were — of Dawson’s Creek, not quite shredding the York wrapper. Are you lacking lots of action in the sex department? Or are you also smoking your fourth post-coital cigarette of the day?
Hypothetically, you realize as you’re reading your fourth recap in two sittings of a show you’ve only recently become barely interested in that you’re reading the recaps because Sars wrote them. And then you remember that this morning while getting ready for work, you decided that you’d create a category of Imaginary Internet Boyfriends and Girlfriends, similar to the Imaginary TV Boyfriends and Girlfriends. And that you’d definately put Sars at the top of that list, followed by Regina and Anna S. You also debate the ethics of having both Raptorgirl and Eyeball on your list of Imaginary Internet Girlfriends because A) they’re sisters and 2) they’re real people who you might one day actually meet and you’d never want them to get squicked out in person by the fact that you have an imaginary Internet crush on them plus the fact that you’ve been known to have a girlfriend. And you’re a girl. Hypothetically.
In this same scenario, you then recall that just the other day, your significant other made a snarky comment about the irony of the number of conversations you have with Dynagirl about shagging, Buffy characters, shagging Buffy characters, Buffy characters shagging each other, shagging the actors who play the Buffy characters, Buffy characters shagging Angel characters, and so on, when you haven’t done any actual shagging yourself in a while. Naturally, that kind of hypothetical remark pisses you off, hypothetically. But perhaps the truth of the statement sinks in. So, when you obsessively continue to read everything ever written by Sars because of your hypothetical Imaginary Internet Girl Crush on her, you notice your bizarre, label-peeling habit. In this situation, what does the hypothecial you do?
The easy answer is, well, go home and shag the one you’re with. But the complicated answer factors in how doing so would be letting the hypothetical significant other’s hurtful comment go unpunished. Do you set aside your nature, which cares about petty things like payback for snark about an unsatisfactory sex life and jealousy of obsession with fictional characters? Or do you just get it on?
Less hypothetically, I’m having a craptastic day. It’s exhausting taking things personally that really aren’t! Especially when it comes from so many places–BossDaddy, coworkers, folks on posting boards. Not even the thrill of defying my diet and eating five York Peppermint Patties has cheered me. Not even my new lipgloss sent from Manhattan has perked me up. Hopefully this weekend I can have dinner with TFE and our pregnant friends M and A. That would make me quite happy. The four of us conspired to introduce my college roommate and A’s good friend from high school (or some such), and if we can not-subtly invite them to join us, it would be even more fun! I love people who make me laugh.
Stupid distance. Stupid ending of Buffy. Stupid sad Connor. Stupid cell phone beeping “low battery.”