After yoga last night, my instructor Leanne and I started chatting. She’s a very spiritual person, and she is also a very talented teacher. We discussed so much, it’s hard to remember it all, but I want to try so I can refer back to it when I need insight.
As previously mentioned, I’ve got some self-forgiveness issues. Yesterday I told Leanne, “I forgive myself more today than I did yesterday,” because frankly, I had decided a month ago that I was officially Over It. Case closed and self forgiven, the end. But the same old same old came up for me doing frog pose.
“So,” Leanne said, “What if [being assaulted] was your fault? So what?” There’s not a damn thing I can do about it now, even if it was, which it wasn’t. It wasn’t. It wasn’t it wasn’t it wasn’t it wasn’t. Okay, great. Move on. Self, I don’t want to have this conversation again. What happened, happened. Live in the present.
I have spent too long in a cycle of self pity. First, it was that I couldn’t leave that job, which I eventually left. Then, it was that I was alone while my beloved went to medical school. Then, I decided to nurse a nasty grudge about not being consulted during my beloved’s decision to go to medical school. When anodyna helped me snap out of that (Thank you, by the way), I moved on to beating myself up for having gained so much weight.
Guess what! I’m a size 12! I weigh 164 pounds! I may or may not ever lose a pound! But I made the decision to get off my ass, stop eating a pan of brownies in front of the television every night and get moving! The path that I was on — the one steeped in self-pity, self-indulgence and self-shame — ends badly. I am not on that path any more.
I have no idea where this path leads. I’m making it up as I go along, so I have an odd feeling of dichotomy — control and surrender. I control my breath, my thoughts, my body, my Self, but I surrender to the fact that I cannot control anything.
I feel oddly empowered by the realization.
Attitude to me is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, gift, or skill. … The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past … we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent how I react to it. And so it is with you.