I’m having a lot of thoughts of my friend Christi this week. Holidays, stressful or emotional times typically bring her to mind. Of course, there are hundreds of other little things that bring her to mind. I typically dream of my late friend Christi with some regularity, as I have since her death on April 1, 1993.
As I’m writing and re-writing my current experiences, I keep fixating on the spelling of my friend’s name. I keep changing it … expecting something to change. As if, after all this time, something about my friend’s death will never be real.
I know enough to know that life’s experiences require an on-going series of coping cycles. The cycles get bigger and bigger; meaning, you never stop cycling through the loss and grieving process, but the phases tend to become less distinctive or traumatic over time. So, rationally I know that I’m just cycling through a phase I’ve experienced many times. But emotionally? I have factors!
I don’t mean to implicate my current emotional state with something that happened several lifetimes ago, but I guess that’s my point. I’ve had so many years of experience … but I still seem to “default” to the position of wanting to share life with my friend.