Birthdays and deathdays

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Today is my birthday. I have made it to the ripe old age of 38. Yesterday morning, my grandmother died. She made it to the ripe old age of 91. This birthday is forever going to be the birthday when grandma died the day before my birthday.

Although that may sound like me being negative, that’s genuinely not how I feel. Throughout the last couple of years, I tried to tell myself that I had already lost my grandmother because with only a couple of exceptions, she didn’t recognize me. But that’s not true. She didn’t usually recognize me, but I always recognized her. I got to hear her tell us how much she loved us, how good we treated her, how proud Granddaddy would have been of us all, and all her corny jokes. She was sweet and sassy. 

I don’t believe in coincidence, but I also don’t believe the timing of recent events is a negative sign or influence. Actually, I feel … sadder than I expected to. But as I write, edit, and rewrite this, I realize that I feel oddly blessed. Because I have felt so unrecognized by my grandmother, I wonder if the timing of our respective deathday and birthday could be some kind of new connection. This connection could be a comfort to me for the rest of my life. And now she is my special angel with me every day until my deathday. 

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