The heart wants what the heart wants. But my brain says I dodged a bullet.


I woke up in one of my philosophical moods this morning. My pensive mood about seeking a new perspective was not negative, sad, or depressing. I sought a thought that previously eluded me.

The loop in my head was playing a track about one the losses I have experienced, so I was poking around for another way that I am better for it. Such thoughts are not usually easy to entertain because of the danger of getting stuck in the negative, feeling very sad, or wasting a day in a funk. This morning I picked at a new thread of thought, savored its blessing, and moved on to other thoughts.

Later, I stumbled across a fresh reminder of another loss. I felt a shock of many emotions in an instant — momentarily overwhelming feelings. I don’t want to go all Kübler-Ross, but I will say that I cycled pretty rapidly through the five stages of grief. Gratefully, I was in the mindset to focus on the positive.

I had lunch and a long chat with my sister today. Then I had dinner and a long chat with my parents tonight. Sharing thoughts and feelings with my family is like free therapy! And frankly, I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t tell my sister every little thing.

Once again, I see in hindsight countless ways that I am on a path. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t plan plans and nurture hopes, and diverging from them only reinforces how small I really am in this great universe, but learning as much as I can while on my path is all I know to do.

The benefit of hindsight is when the brain rules the heart, and my soul knows a peace that defies understanding.


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