I’ve felt disconnected for a few days. Historically, when I’ve felt like I’m in a free fall I either run away from home or hibernate. But these days, I don’t really feel like I have a home. I never know one day to the next if my condo will be habitable, so I can’t count on that feeling of, “If I can just make it home, this bad day will be fine…”
My last home was a very small, fairly miserable little dump with serious plumbing and other issues. But at least I felt some level of stability there. Maybe I didn’t feel like that at first — I honestly don’t remember — but almost four years later, I felt anchored.
Perhaps the lack of an anchored feeling is why I feel like I go into a free-fall when some of my other emotional anchors aren’t there. I”ve been waffling: Do I need a friendly face? Or do I need to avoid everyone? It’s almost 10 p.m., and I still don’t know.
Parenthetically, I know that I will move sooner than I had hoped. My landlord asked me twice in one day to lie. First, she instructed me to buy an indoor air conditioning unit under false pretenses — she wanted me to buy it, get it home and upstairs, and then schlep it from room to room until she could be bothered to fix the central AC, at which time I should return the air conditioner to Home Depot after using it for an undisclosed period of time for a refund. Then she instructed me to lie to the repairman who she hired and supposedly trusts. Landlord mentioned when we were negotiating terms of our agreement that she’s had “bad luck keeping tenants,” but now I understand why. Anyone who thinks its OK to ask me to lie and steal is probably a liar.
I had no intention to get whiney, but I’m emotional. I’ve been watching the Olympics, and our athletes from the U.S.A. are so inspiring! Holy wow, I get choked up watching any of it. I’m a little more emotional than I should be.
Connecting with my sister always helps me feel grounded. How was I blessed with such a sister?! On the flip side, disconnecting with a beloved friend feels awful. Even if that friend was gunning for a fight, I hate that I took the bait. I don’t want to be anything less than a good friend. But the truth is that sometimes a true friend calls you out when you’re not right. That is good stuff, even if it’s hard to learn.
Knowing where I want to go and who I need with me takes the “free” out of “free falling.”